April 25, 2017

A Hero’s Quest

Joey Aiello ’17

It’s 10pm on a Saturday night and he is on a quest for two things: to consume alcohol and to get laid. If he fails to achieve the latter he will become aggressive and seek to do more of the former. He stands outside his boy’s dorm building wearing boat shoes, khaki chino shorts, and his “I want to get it in” pastel button down, with his phone in hand furiously texting females to “come through,” while he waits to be let it. He is this tale’s valiant hero.

Once inside he begins unpacking the Natural Ice beers from inside his North Face backpack and into his boy’s mini fridge. A few of his boys are already in the room. They’re in similar attire and about to embark on the same quest. He assures them that some absolute smokes[1] are coming through to pregame. He mentions one of the smokes by name and one of his boys inquires if she still has that boyfriend from home. He says yes, but that that doesn’t matter. They spend the next ten minutes or so debating on the likelihood of a scenario where the smoke in question would cheat on her boyfriend.

Our hero begins crushing brews because he wants to get a good buzz on before the smokes come through. It’s now 10:20 and the smokes have indeed come through. Our hero mentally places each one of them in their appropriate spots on scale that rates attractiveness one to ten as they walk through the door. He makes his way over to the ten in the corner to inquire what her major is. However she cannot hear him over the electronic dance music pulsating from the room’s bluetooth speaker, which is wirelessly connected to our hero’s iPhone. He motions for her to wait a minute while he takes out his phone and slightly lowers the volume. “Check that out” he boasts “It’s all on here… bluetooth.” He is the pinnacle of suave.

It’s nearing 11pm and or hero begins to grow anxious. He longs to be in a more crowded environment, with louder music, more expensive alcohol, and even more smokes. He begins asking his boys what the move is. His boy since freshmen year informs him of a particular bar that one of his boys that is already there said was lit. Thus it is decided. Our hero requests an Uber and his quest rages forward.

Before the Uber arrives our hero must make a quick run to the ATM so he has cash for the bar. He takes out one hundred dollars from the money that his grandmother put in his savings account for Christmas.

Sadly his quest fails. The bar close and he leaves smokeless. However his boy’s boy from earlier did warn them that the “girls were being hella prude tonight.” He returns home in dismay at his failure to crush it.

Back in his dorm room he furiously texts all the girls in his contact list to come through for a post game. His efforts have proven fruitless. At the end of his night he is left sans booze and female companionship and his spirits are crushed. He proceeds to order pizza on his mom’s credit card, but sadly he falls asleep before the deliveryman arrives. Thus ends our hero’s quest.      

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[1] Smoke show (smoke for short): an attractive woman

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