May 30, 2017

Stu(Dying)

by Chrsitie Smith ’17

Portfolio Staff

Photo courtesy of Pinterest.com

Photo courtesy of Pinterest.com

I’m going to paint a picture, one of complete desperation. I really think it’s going to resonate with you.

Imagine the moment when you’ve procrastinated so spectacularly that you must now choose between adopting acute panic or complete indifference.

Some slough off their impending failure with a shrug of the shoulders (“I’ll never need to know this!”),

Others crumble (“If I don’t pass, I’ll be homeless post-graduation”).

You start mentally labeling every piece of material you don’t understand as “unimportant” and most likely “untestable.”

Blaming your professor (“He doesn’t even post the slides!”),

Your roommate (just because),

The pet goldfish you never feed (“It’s been so moody lately”),

That watery coffee (“This definitely tastes like Splenda…”).

Surely everything but your own procrastination is the cause for this tragic dilemma.

Why did you wait so long? If you start studying now, you’ll have a solid seven hours and 36 minutes to understand everything.

Symptoms of complete breakdown include the following:

Calculating precisely how awful you can do on an assignment and still throw your cap in the air someday (you need a 77),

Spending more time making a study guide than actually studying it,

Taking an odd pleasure in hearing that your fellow classmates are equally unprepared (“Gosh, she doesn’t even own the textbook”),

Feverishly searching Google for alternative career options (“I could probably be a car salesman if I had to”).

Steve Jobs, Michael Dell, and Bill Gates didn’t put up with this. If you quit now at least you’ll be in good company.

Except you don’t know anything about software or computers. Better make that coffee extra-large.

Misery loves company, so you claim a library table (this is home now) and invite all your friends. Redefining pity party.

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